Wednesday, 14 September 2011

N.Z Rugby + Songs = Oxymoron

When the Rugby World organisers came to picking a song that embodied the Kiwi enthusiasm for the game, tournament solidarity etc they fittingly choose a one-hit-wonder by a light-weight British band that crashed and burned.

But let’s face it, music and rugby in New Zealand have never mixed -so why stop a century plus of tradition?   

Kiwi Music is something skinny soccer-playing poofs do - fuck em!

Real men do haka’s drink beer, eat pies, play rugby and struggle to even do a rendition of the national anthem in public.

At dances women sit in gaggles on the other side of the hall, until socially inept males get enough beer in their guts they can muster enough fortitude to start up a conversation, then proceed to dance like a McSkimmings brick on P.     

Don’t you know that 'real men' in New Zealand live vicariously through the exploits of a single sporting entity, worship at their altar, in dressed and undressed states, yet by-in-large never actually play the game they claim to love.    

Real Kiwi chicks dream of themselves being at the centre of an All Black gang-bang with Ritchie and Dan at the head of the line, then proudly slipping the DVD into the player to show their neurotic mates ‘over the tea cups’ their sexual exploits and lustfully pondering “I wonder who’s baby it is I’m carrying?” Little wonder Kiwi womanhood  purchase more sex toys per head than any other female population on the planet.         

Face it, after a century of supporting their beloved All Blacks, Kiwi fans have yet even construct a single chant, apart for the moronic, migraine inducing “Black, Black, Black” which sounds like the back-seat of a sheltered-workshop bus trip to the zoo.     

So the idea of producing a Kiwi Rugby Songs ‘Rucks, Tries & Choruses: The History Of NZ Rugby... In Song’ was on par with the principal of a hip-hop album by Kyle Chapman and The National Front, inclusive of a re-make of 'Melting Pot.' 

This is THE most dire, banal record to ever grace the shelves of New Zealand. It makes 100 Great Organ Hits by John Hoare (Music World) look like Dark Side of the Moon. 

Here is a sample of the platitudinous load of sheep-droppings that audaciously masquerades as N.Z music:

Doug Catley & The Fernleafs - Big Bad Don

Paul Walden With Garth Young - When The All Blacks Come Marching In

Lew Pryme With Winston Mccarthy - The Feat Of Fantastic Fergie

Black Bolt & The Silver Ferns - Give Em A Taste Of Kiwi

Miramar Chess Club - I'll Never Be An All Black

John Pike & Hop Owens & The Hop Heads - Rugby Rock

The Howard Morrison Quartet - My Old Man's An All Black

The album ‘Rucks, Tries and Choruses’ is a frankly an insult to ones intelligence & ear drums. For the radio-blurb to suggest “This is Rugby Heaven” makes me want to leap from a high diving board, plunge head-first into eternal-damnation's 'pit of fire' yelling "yipeeeeee!" 

Seriously - do they supply a vomit bucket with every CD?

Still I guess this is kulture in New Zealand.

It’s not as if we produce say plastic wakas, eh?

Far be from me to criticise the countries ruling order, the Pol Pots that put-together this 'musical killing field', even if they do wear y-fronts and gumboots to bed.  

It’ll probably go # 1 in the N.Z Charts.    

PS: Don’t fret, there is a song by one of The Finn Brothers, isn’t there always?



  2. There is one good rugby song....

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